I haven’t been making many, if any, meaningful posts lately. In fact, in the past week or so I’ve pretty much fallen off the map of this community, and haven’t even said two words to many of the people here that I care about and adore and wish were closer to me so we could talk more often and hang out and be ridiculous together.
The blog is still active, but my energy and my heart has temporarily run out. If you have questions for me related to…anything, really, ask me and I’ll answer and if I don’t know the answer I’ll research it and answer a bit later. I may be attempting to design some materials for TeachersPayTeachers sometime in the future and if you saw anything here that you think people would want by all means give me a heads up. Even though I haven’t really communicated well, if you want to say hi, I will try to get back into it.
This is just a message to those who are wondering, if you are wondering, what is going on, which is here below the cut.
If it makes anyone feel any better about it, I want you to know that it isn’t just you. I’ve pulled the equivalent of shutting myself in my room and not coming out for most communication lately.
I’ve even done it with any of my aspirations. In the past week I’ve stopped caring about trying to find a teaching job, about trying to wrestle with this tutoring company that hired people even as they’re being investigated for fraud and may not be able to give those people jobs, I’ve given up on trying to chase down people at the institutions of higher learning I was trying to attend to find another track for myself. I’ve whittled down and then given up on working with the Army, which was something I’d been trying to pursue these past six months with an almost obsessive passion. I almost put all of my children’s books, the “classroom library” I’ve been amassing slowly for the past four years from clearance bins and gifts and used book stores, into the attic. I stopped posting creative work on my art and writing blogs, I almost stopped making art altogether outside of what has to get done because I’ve been paid to do it and even that was a struggle.
The place that I moved back to, the family home, is an environment full of emotional instability. At one point I wasn’t being spoken to for three days by one person, and avoided by the other two so that they wouldn’t get in the middle of that person’s mood. I have run out of money and can’t disappear, but have thought about it anyway. After vehemently arguing me back here and out of a place where I had a support system and social circle, last week I was told by that same person, “Maybe you should have gotten that cabin in MA.” I have called hotlines, have had worrisome conversations with friends who are saints, have sought help that it turns out I could not afford without family paying for it, and family paying for things is why I cannot leave to begin with - I’ve thought about taking the car and living in a parking lot somewhere in certain desperate moments, but they pay the car insurance.
I want to want to be here again. Whether I’m in the midst of a full-scale mental breakdown is becoming less and less of a question, and the questions have become more “How do I fix this when I’m caring less and less, as an effect, about whether or not I do?”
This is an awkward post to be making, but I’m the first one to tell people not to be ashamed of things like mental health and situations that are beyond your control. So, if you see one of those hotline directories going around in a tumblr post, reblog them, because you don’t know who you might be helping in that moment.